Pardon my French

If you heard a loud stream of invective shouted from the general direction of southeast Denver this morning, it was in response to the “Car-o-scope” (courtesy of Disputations). Now I admit that I’m not a big car buff, in fact I look forward to the day I can have my life so ordered that it would be highly unusual for me to use anything but my feet and elevators for transportation. I think it’s an outrage for a car to cost 10% of the price of a house and preferable that it be no more than 5%, but with today’s car prices that’s unlikely except in the most expensive cities. Still, these results were insulting in extremis:

They found me to be too rich, snobbish and well educated for the Hyundai I drive (besides which, they said I’m a cheapskate). I wasn’t that rich when I bought the car three-and-a-half years ago (which also takes care of some of the cheapness, eh?), nor was I so well educated. While I’ve always been guilty of being a snob, sometimes one can be a snob in a non-conventional manner.

Peugot 505 – Even before the recent insufferable intransigence of the Gauls, I’ve had little truck for the farthest western regions of Germany. But why on earth would anyone want a car produced by the country with the worst engineers, craftsmen and customer service in the western world? Besides that, their designers are generations behind nearly everyone else! Mangez mes culottes!

Acura Vigor – Why should I, if I’m too rich and snobby for the Hyundai, get a car that hasn’t been produced in nine years?

Infiniti J30 – What’s the warranti like? How about safeti? What would Daddi think? OK, enough goofing on the most ridiculous name in the car biz. This suggestion at least has one tiny bit of merit. As an obscure guy, maybe it makes sense to get one of the least popular cars in living memory. Is it just me, or do you see Studebakers more often than these dressed-up Nissans?

Buick Roadmaster – This big station wagon would make sense if two circumstances changed: (1) if I routinely hauled around large numbers of people and/or lots of stuff and (2) if GM were the only automaker in existence. Between the various bad experiences I’ve had with GM products (most recently the car we bought in 1994 and the two rental cars last month), you’d have to pay me lots of money to get me in anything from GM.

Volvo 244 – Let’s see, my politics are generally to the right of National Review and I’m going to spend money on an overpriced car to prop up a socialist regime. Someone’s been sipping a bit too much Absolut!

Since there’s probably little chance I’ll get to live the carefree car-free life for a few years anyhow, what cars would I consider?

Asian (not completely exorbitant): Hyundai XG250 – Looks like the best value for a sedan. If I’m going to have to drive a lot with other people, it would be relatively comfortable.

Asian (exorbitant): Lexus SC430 – Just because it looks so darn cool.

European (not completely exorbitant): Volkswagen New Beetle – But only if the German government and people come around to reason regarding the war.

European (exorbitant): Mercedes-Benz SLK – Ditto.

American: Ford Thunderbird – expensive, but probably worth it. I wonder about the roof leaking, though.

Special cases:

If I know I never have to be in heavy high-speed traffic -- Cooper Mini: just about perfect in everything but safety.

If, God forbid, I’m required to get an SUV (tie): Subaru WRX or Subaru Forester – although I’m reluctant to get a vehicle whose name seems to be an abbreviation for “wrecks”.