Are you ready for some football?

It’s just about time for pro football. I’m sad to miss the first game of the year as I’ll be in class, but that doesn’t stop me from issuing projections as to order of finish for all the teams. The nicknames are from my post of 12/27/2002, most of them having their origin at the famous TMQ.

AFC West
Denver Predominantly Orange (division champ, first round playoff bye)
Oakland Long Johns (wildcard)
Kansas City Linux (wildcard)
Los Angeles’ Once and Future Team.

AFC East
Buffalo Zouave Detectives (division champ)
New England Close Shaves
Miami Marine Mammals
Jersey B

AFC North
Pittsburgh Condiments (division champ, first round playoff bye)
Cleveland Oranges (Release 2.1)
Baltimore Nevermores
Cincinnati Nepotism Object Lesson

AFC South
Tennessee Flaming Thumbtacks (division champ)
Indianapolis Lucky Charms
Houston Moo Cows
Ville of Jackson

NFC West
San Francisco Squared Sevens (division champ)
St. Louis Mouflons (wildcard)
Seattle Blue Man Group (wildcard)
Phoenix (Caution, May Contain Football-like Substance) Cardinals;

NFC South
City of Tampa (division champ, first round playoff bye)
New Orleans Boy Scouts
Carolina Bruises
Atlanta Dixie-can’ts

NFC North
Bay of Green (division champ)
Minnesota Purple Drain
Champaign Flutes
Detroit Peugots

NFC East
Philadelphia Experiments (division champ, first round playoff bye)
Jersey A
Chesapeake Watershed Region Indigenous Persons
Dallas Ointments

Playoff projections

Wildcard round
Tennessee defeats Kansas City
Buffalo defeats Oakland
Bay of Green defeats Seattle
San Francisco defeats St. Louis

Division round
Denver defeats Buffalo
Pittsburgh defeats Tennessee
City of Tampa defeats Bay of Green
Philadelphia defeats San Francisco

Conference championships
Denver defeats Pittsburgh
Philadelphia defeats City of Tampa

Super Bowl XXXVIII
Denver defeats Philadelphia

Your mileage may vary. All predictions subject to change once yet more players become injured. Past performance is no guarantee of future results. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. For external use only.

I know, it’s unlikely that any division would produce two wildcard teams, let alone that happening twice in the same season. Still, in the words of a man much wittier and more erudite than me, that’s my opinion. I could be wrong.