I’m a fan of Tuesday Morning Quarterback* by the tastefully-named Gregg Easterbrook, even if it hasn’t been quite as good since some time around the 2000 election. I’ve seen the real-life name of another pseudonyumous member of St. Blog’s quoted in TMQ, but I shan’t list it here.

Anyway, one of the most fun features of TMQ is the alternative nicknames that he (or, in many cases, a clever reader) has given to the NFL teams. I’m going to recount all those I recall from TMQ and then offer some of my own for the teams that don’t yet have TMQ names of their own.

TMQ’s names (alphabetically):
- Arizona (Caution, May Contain Football-like Substance) Cardinals;
- Baltimore Nevermores;
- Bay of Green;
- Chesapeake Drainage Basin Indigenous Persons.
- City of Tampa;
- Cleveland Oranges (Release 2.1);
- Detroit Peugots;
- Houston Moo Cows;
- Indianapolis Lucky Charms;
- Jersey/A;
- Jersey/B;
- Miami Marine Mammals;
- New Orleans Boy Scouts;
- Oakland Long Johns;
- St. Louis Mouflons;
- Seattle Blue Man Group;
- San Francisco Squared Sevens; and
- Tennessee Flaming Thumbtacks.

Gregg the Obscure’s additions with explanations (non-alphabetical)

Denver Predominantly Orange – When announcing the uniform change that took place shortly after the most disgusting game result in the history of team sports, the team’s owner said the new uniforms would be “predominantly orange”. Does anyone have some kind of weird optical condition that makes that statement anywhere close to true? (Note: some Denver Post writers have used this name for a while, but it’s too good to pass up. To my knowledge, all others are original, even if some of them have been independently developed elsewhere.)

Los Angeles’ Once and Future Team (Chargers) – (Pending Al Davis’ latest lawsuit about how the LA area is “his territory”, although he undeniably did to it what dogs to their territory). Please bring back the baby blue jerseys.

Cincinnati Nepotism Object Lesson – This team’s great success in the past decade (in which they’ve become the losingest team in the NFL after having gone to 2 super bowls in the previous decade) coincides with the scion of the team’s founder acting as GM. Coincidence?

Buffalo Zouave Detectives – They can help the team’s most famous player of the ‘70s “find the real killers” while dressed like the most flamboyant military personnel of the 19th century. (See a picture of Zouaves in uniform here .) Heck, Drew Bledsoe et al probably already spend as much time and money on trying to “find the real killers” as does the team’s famous alum.

Minnesota Purple Drain – With apologies to the whack-job formerly known as Prince (himself a Minneapolitan), that seems to be where Mr. Moss is taking his teammates down.

Philadelphia Experiments – Play one fewer exhibition than usual when the turf isn’t up to snuff? Ok. Try the new high-tech fake turf before anyone else? Uh huh. Put in the second string quarterback? No problem. Third-string? Yep. Also the team that’s changes uniforms the most, but always looks spiffy.

Atlanta Dixie-can’ts– When they moved into the Georgia Dome, the then-owner wanted to play “Dixie” to celebrate, only to find out that the initial owners had contracted that the team would never allow that song to be played at a game in Georgia. Had Strom Thurmond been elected back in ’48, we wouldn’t have had that problem!

Champaign Flutes -- at least until Soldier Field re-opens, then there’s a bit of a new nickname issue.

Dallas Ointments – The other thing packaged with a blue star that frequently gets put in embarrassing spots.

Kansas City Linux – Mr. Vermeil’s charges wear red helmets. The company Red Hat sells Linux. Good thing they don’t sell original Unix!

New England Close Shaves – They had a few of those in the playoffs last year, the play at a stadium named for a razor company and the fella on the helmet doesn’t have a lick o’ facial hair (nor did his predecessor).

Carolina Bruises – Between the black and blue uniforms and the propensity for losing players to injury, it’s about the only one I could think of. Open to any and all suggestions on this one.

Pittsburgh Condiments – The stadium’s named for ketchup. The pants look like mustard. (Another one where I’m open to better suggestions.)

Ville of Jackson -- in keeping with above City of Tampa and Bay of Green. (There are two that I like much more, but they don’t reflect a spirit of Christian charity.)

*Beware that some of the cheerleader photos may be near occasions of sin if you’re drawn to skinny girls in skimpy costumes.